A New Approach to Parlee

[*Chris*]

I’d like to report a new method of achieving the mysterious ice haven known as Parlee Brook. Let it be called ‘the totally obvious approach’. In order to successfully use this guide you’ll need a master jeweller, a Norwegian, and a government bureaucrat posing as a forester. Any three fellows or ladies meeting this description will do… but more on that later.

To begin, start driving towards ice from Sussex, N.B. Look in the direction that is cold and go that way. Drive for a certain amount of time until you have eaten 1/3 of your supply of samosas. By then, you should be in front of this odd looking abode tucked away in the forest.

Have your jeweller observe this building. It could only be the residence of one of three forest creatures: a leprechaun, a hobbit, or a dwarf. If your craftsman detects a strong smell of gold than you’ve happened upon a Leprechaun, if so… you’re lost. Otherwise a faint smell of precious metals indicates recently mined minerals certainly belonging to a dwarf. This is not good. Otherwise, you’ve found the hobbit hole you’re looking for and you can park your car and gear up.

Head off into the woods. You should continue on this direction until your Norwegian starts to complain that you may be lost. You aren’t. At this point, you’ll find yourself in front of this tree:

Have your government bureaucrat forester eat a handful of needles. Make sure he fills out all the appropriate forms first. If these needles are leased by an industrial logging company he/she will almost instinctively reach a euphoria accompanied by a strong desire to approve any absurd proposal put in front of them. If the foliage tastes bitter, it is likely caused by the nurturing of this tree by rural woodlot owners… who by their nature are distrustful of government bureaucrats rifling through their properties. This bitter taste is a good sign and you’ve found the correct tree. Spin in circles until dizzy and then proceed onward for another 4 cricket-pitches.

You should be getting close by now. You’ll have reached your final landmark when you see this patch of yellow snow in a small clearing.

Have your Norwegian get down on all fours and smell it… taking it its floral bouquet. There are only two types of people who could have marked this spot. The first are snowmobilers… their scent will be characteristic of last nights Bud Light and this morning’s Tim Hortin’s coffee. This is the incorrect patch. Detection of snomobilers should have you turning 180 degrees. The smell you’re looking for is that of last night’s Picaroon’s (or other fine stout) and perhaps some form of designer coffee from earlier that day. Espresso, lattes, or cappuccinos are all acceptable. This is certainly the mark of previous ice climbers and you’re headed for success. Turn left. If by chance you’re Norwegian detects sausages from the Welsford Irving the results are inconclusive… and you should proceed with caution.

If you’ve executing my instructions correctly you should find yourself at Parlee Brook climbing your favourite pitch of perfectly plastic ice. Enjoy. Otherwise… don’t blame the guide… ask yourself if you followed the directions carefully.

Was your jeweller truly an expert or do they work with (gasp) silver (/gasp)?
Was your European fellow a Norwegian or just a lowly Swede in disguise?
Was your forester a true bureaucrat or did you mistakenly bring a ranger or a biologist?

Hope this clears up the confusion!

[anderfo]

how long is this approach, approximately? sounds a lot shorter than the top approach.

[anderfo]

(...) If you’ve executing my instructions correctly you should find yourself at Parlee Brook climbing your favourite pitch of perfectly plastic ice. Enjoy. Otherwise… don’t blame the guide… ask yourself if you followed the directions carefully. (...)

Finally I would add a simple and intuitive guide for how to find back to your car if you get lost:
Hold your compass upside-down and carefully turn your body right until the compass is pointing in the opposite direction. Then follow the footsteps of a disappointed ice-climber back to your car.

[peter]

Small editorial change needed.

At the yellow snow, add: "Step over the freshly killed body of a Finn, whom told the Nova Scotians he was a Norveggie, but then couldn't produce the desired results."

[Greg]

How to get to Parlee Ice Climbs from the bottom....

It had to be done. Fearless ice climbers wondering around on low angled terrain not finding WI2 or greater can’t be tolerated. Wandering wayward sons, being diverted by abarerant pee trails = lunacy. I was motivated by a fierce desire to light the way for our climbing brethren. A little voice called: “Give them signs.” The seed was planted…..they need signs but they must rival an M. Night Shamalama movie. Make it happen. Talk to someone with money and power. Talk to the Premier. He’s got lots of money and at least he thinks he has power. Besides, he’ll be motivated to help a dedicated employee of the crown, a scandanavian with a penchant for learning and a neighboring New Scotlander in need of sustenance in the form of vertical travel after far too much horizontal.

So after exhaustive negotiations with a power deal weary Shaun Graham, I have managed to secure financing for route finding assistance to the ice climbs in Parlee. From now until the end of March every Saturday and Sunday during the hours of 7 am to 12 noon the following “landmarks” will be provided free of charge to all ice climbers seeking to find everything from Hullholmes Falls to The Blue Pillar. So there is no need to pack a map, compass or gps, just follow these directions and you will be fine:

1. After taking the Parlee Brook road and driving to the end of the ploughed section, park at or near the bridge. Just before the bridge you will find a wood and stone artist’s abode previously described as a hobbit dwelling and also known as The Abbey. This will be impossible to miss as the first of the provincially funded landmarks will be quite visible – a 24 piece band playing “When the Saints go Marching In” on the roof of the building.

2. Find a climbers/hobbit path (also know as Arnold Hollows Road) immediately uphill and west of The Abbey. This path/road is on the same side as The Abbey - not across the bridge. Start walking this road (it goes uphill towards a ridge) and keep walking on this road until you see the second landmark provided by the Honorable Mr. Graham – one dozen scantily clad Swedish swimsuit models holding arrows pointing up the hill toward the ridge (keep walking you are there to climb and they are paid to hold signs – nothing else). You will soon get to a steep section of the road and then come to a pass or saddle. You will be standing on flat, level ground with valleys in front and behind you. The road continues in front of you. You will see a trail heading up and to the left and one up and to the right. Keep going straight, this will take you down the other (south) side of the hill. When you get to the bottom of the hill if you look up and to your left you will catch your first glimpse of a big hill/cliff with lots of swell looking ice. This is Hullholmes Falls a WI 5 –. Listen carefully as there will be a samuri warrior banging on a drum to draw you in should you choose this route. Don't worry he is a friendly guy and will be too cold to fight you even if you piss him off.

3. Continue along the road and it will wind to the left, you will pass a small pond on your right and then continue relatively straight until you come to a bungalow style camp/cottage on your left. DON’T turn left and head up into the ravine behind the cabin. This is not the way to Parlee ice climbs. You have to walk a bit further on the same road/trail as before. Continue straight - look for dancing cats – there will be 6 of them, each dressed in a red sweater with bells on their collars – one of them will be a Sphinx cat, you know the hairless breed – very cool. Continue into a semi clearing (previous clearcut with some new growth about 6 to 8 feet in height). YOU ARE ALMOST TO THE MAGICAL RAVINE! At the edge of the clearing/new growth the road will take you to an old half dead Spruce tree that has a bunch of burrels in it, previously referred to as bumps. Take a left at the tree (hehe) and then look for the obvious drainage/ravine directly in front of you or slightly to your right.

4. At this point you will find an espresso bar hosted by a saucy Peruvian lady who will be your barista. Choose your beverage – I recommend the Americano with an extra shot. Take a moment to enjoy your java as the going is about to get more difficult. Head up through the drainage and enter the ravine. If you look up through the trees you will see glimmers of waterfall ice on either side of the canyon. Keep Going! You’re almost there. You will continue to pass gulleys and runnels to your left and right. When you get to the base of the route named Three Amigo’s you will be treated to a fly by from a pair of Canadian Armed Forces F-16’s. Congratulations! You have found the Parlee Ice Climbs! You can now take the rope out of your pack and start climbing!

[anderfo]

Awesome! I just had to print this. I'll search for those Swedish girls on Sunday.

[Jon Corey]

Awesome project. An excellent use of our tax dollars. I will print these directions and keep them in my sporn.
I would like to go climbing with you guys some time.

Thanks
Jon Corey

[PaulB]

Not that I'll be heading into Parlee anytime soon, but has the Lisson Settlement Road "high" approach fallen out of favor for some reason? If I recall correctly, back in the day, the "low" approach used to be discouraged by cranky landowners.

The long march out to the Lisson Settlement Road after a full day of climbing always seemed "character building". Turns out it was a lot like alpine climbing.... lots of hiking at the start and end of the day, with some climbing in the middle.

[anderfo]

To simplify the Parlee approach for future generations, I would like to complement Greg's description with a very simple map:
http://folk.ntnu.no/anderfo/files/temp/ ... ch-map.pdf